It’s amazing how much can change in a matter of two years. And how much can in fact, stay the same. Two years is brief in the span of a lifetime, but long to endure, especially in a season of pain and struggle.
I find myself straddling both mind frames — ashamed of my lack of progress on my goals, whilst also acknowledging the growth I’ve experienced since I started this podcast halfway through 2023.
It’s become quite a pattern for me, being so passionate about a project in its early stages, and then feeling the enthusiasm fade once the initial round of work is complete. Consistency has always been one of my downfalls - one which I believed I could turn around with this podcast.
But I’m starting to think that berating myself for projects unfinished, or un-continued, is itself the problem. I never seem to celebrate the work I’ve accomplished, because I tend to focus on the fact that I’ve stopped working. I become disappointed at myself for not being able to keep things going, to a point where I feel a successful outcome has been achieved.
But what is success? How do I even define what it looks like and means to me?
I’m lucky to have my younger sister as a cheerleader in my life - she’s constantly reminding me to celebrate my accomplishments, even the smallest of wins - whenever I get tangled up in these discouraging spirals. She’d see the first two seasons of On Courage as a success, the 15 episodes we produced with passion and bravely put out into the world.
I’m proud of them too but I often find myself wondering – if I hadn’t lost steam and kept on producing episodes week after week – whether I’d feel more accomplished today, and have the audience to prove it.
And that tells me I’ve been looking at success in the external outcome, which I’m sure all creatives feel pressured by at some point.
Now after a 2-year break, I’m re-thinking my thoughts. I’m re-wiring and re-framing my mindset about success, creativity and courage.
Because my sister’s right – producing content in itself is an achievement, even without an audience. There is merit in learning a craft, in wrestling with ideas and daring to share them. Engaging in any kind of creative process takes courage, I will always believe that. It takes time, vulnerability, honesty and humility.
A successful creative is someone who simply, dares to begin.
I’ve often struggled with keeping up momentum and finishing things, but I’m confident in my ability to begin.
This year marks a new milestone in my life and it’s hard to completely avoid the weight of expectations that come with that, but there is also, the promise of a clean slate. I feel an impetus to let go of what has been, to shed that old skin and welcome new perspectives and beliefs, especially about myself.
I can’t waste any more time holding onto the person I once was, as well as the person I thought I’d be by now.
I’ve observed that for many people who channel optimism; there is a fear of confronting the heavier emotions beneath the surface. There is almost a delusion that in order to think positively, we must suppress negativity and hide the pain of past traumas.
I’m no psychologist but it must be a coping mechanism - what if we sometimes need a bit of avoidance to survive?
That’s worked for me most of my life, but I’m realising now how much all the hiding and pretending has worn me out.
Striving for perfection and a constant appearance of happiness has led to inner turmoil about who I really am and what I really want. I’ve been living and working towards my dreams under the veil of other people’s expectations. I’m not sure if I’ve ever looked at my life with a clear vision, with true authenticity.
Although I’ve confidently used my voice on the outside, I still don’t know if I have true confidence in it from within.
But today is a clean slate. I can start over. Just as it says in Ecclesiastes in the Bible, ‘God’s mercies are new every morning.’
Since I last published an episode here, I’ve been reflecting on ways to return to courage without the pressure I previously placed on myself. I suppose I had initially set out to create some kind of knowledge emporium – so that this podcast could become a kind of reputable source on the topic, just as James Clear has done for habits, or Ryan Holiday for Stoicism.
Perhaps I secretly wanted to build my brand that way – to be known for courage - not just in theory, but as a living example of it.
I wince at the thought of that now because it just doesn’t feel aligned anymore. Because it really isn’t about my expertise on the topic, rather my experiences in the desire to live it.
I’m inspired by stories of courage and I admire those who show courage, and I believe that each of us is capable of being courageous, and in fact already are, in our own unique ways.
What I’ve realised in the last 2 years is that my quest for more courage in life cannot be fully realised if I don’t confront the very thing that causes us to need it in the first place – fear.
Without fear, we would not need courage.
This recent revelation has evolved my perspective on creativity and identity, because it reframes something that we typically run away from. We often fear fear. It’s uncomfortable and scary. It saddens and it stings. But it’s because of it, that we are propelled into courage, which then opens us up to the promises of hope, love and joy.
So if exploring and discovering my own courage still matters to me, then I need to truly confront my fears this time. Not to labour or dwell over them, but to understand them enough in order to overcome them.
I will exercise courage in this very process, calling out the actual fears and how they’ve affected me over the years.
We’re in an age of over-consumption, where there appears to be a remedy for any kind of ill; but in chasing a quick solution, we can neglect healing the root cause.
And I’m learning that in the healing of our wounds, scars often remain - just like fear.
Fear isn’t something that will ever go away, we must learn to accept that, it’s just that we can better operate in its existence, as we build up our courage.
I’ve had confident and courageous seasons throughout my 4 decades here on earth, but fear has veered me off course more times than I can count. It has impacted my self-image and self-worth in ways that people can’t see but that I deeply feel.
It’s often said that as we get older, we care less what people think of us, but sometimes I find the opposite is true for me - I seem to worry more about how the world sees me, despite my emotional and spiritual growth these last few years.
Though I better understand and am learning to accept who I am now, I’m afraid of how others might perceive this new version of me.
And this takes another kind of courage - to be boldly and authentically who we are, even if it subverts expectations and challenges the status quo.
Yes there is a fear in starting over, but there is a blessing in it too. These days, I choose to welcome both.
